An Optimistic Void

It is the last day of 2022. I am writing this post sitting in the second room. I submitted my Ph.D. thesis a few days back. It feels surreal to know that I finally managed to do it.

However, I have been suffering from bouts of severe stress. The future is unclear. With no job in hand, with no guarantee of a job, with simply no earnings at this point, I feel ashamed of myself and my mind seems to be plunging into despair, a deep void. I feel stuck and depressed. 

2022 has been a mixed year for me. It started with great optimism. I was happy with my work although constantly stressed about completing that Ph.D. 

I also had to leave my job. I left the job I was enjoying so much. The last time I felt such joy was in studying Sanskrit at the bachelor's level. The last time I felt as celebrated as in my job was during LSR and during my relationship. I loved organizing college fests and getting to meet more people. I felt elated when meeting him during his Delhi stays. This job that I lost this year was the second inning of my LSR-like life. 

I managed to briefly reunite with a long-lost love. We parted ways sometime later. I miss him but I guess I am okay. I am sure he will find somebody way better.

I was lost on the Ph.D. front earlier this year. I began the year with no hopes of earning a Ph.D. I submitted it a few days back. What started from death valley peaked at the zenith of lively pleasure. I termed my Ph.D. Pikachu. My Pikachu happened. Wow.

All in all, my year has been a long tiring and mixed one. 

Here's to the hope of finding success in 2023!

Breaking the long chain of no posts

Exactly Four years ago,  I had written a post on this blog. Strange how things have changed since.

There is a lot going on at work. Will soon post about it. But I hope to be able to do what I want to do soon. May my obstacles not prove to be bigger than I am. 

Till then, thank you for reading and being here. 

Good Night.

My Old Known...

Comprehension.

Is a tough task.
Especially of things you have never dealt with,
Of people you have never known,
Of destinations you have never visited.

Understanding unseen avenues,
Requires efforts to the core
You need help to establish
That the unknown would become known
And you would rejoice in it
Just as you do the things
You already know

Yet, not knowing something is
Reason enough for saying
"I dont know it yet!",
For who has been able to
fathom deep into
The meanings not seen, not met.

But how do I explain this.
This lack of understanding,
When the unknown is a known
When I knew with surety
That the known was known all

That the argument of no familiarity
Does not hold true,
That the excuse of newness
Is afterall just an excuse

Or so it can be
That this inability
Is not one at all
That which I call new,
Was an old bond lost
 to be recalled;
That mere setbacks can not
Be termed unfathomable comprehensions
That the familiarity has
Always been a thing

For when a truly familiar avenue,
Seems like a destination far
That is when comprehension and patience,
Observe from a corner,
For they know this familiarity comes
From that old bond,
Which is why it is rock strong:
However, when such a bond encounters
A parting by distance,
Takes not long to know and decide
What seems like you have not understood
Is a soul you only have misunderstood.

From the alleys of sorrow

As I do with most of my creations, I translated this one song a little while ago and forgot that I had even made any such attempt. The lyrics depict the ailing heart of a woman whose love of life is not with her anymore. Though emotions of such magnitude can not be caged within the limits of words, I tried translating this song in a naive attempt to at least make the essence a little fathomable to those unacquainted with the nuances of Hindi.

Thought I should share it here.

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तुम मुझे भूल भी जाओ तो ये हक़ है तुमको,
मेरी बात और है मैंने तो मोहब्बत की है।

Replace me in your memories, rightfully you may, But /In my disparate case, forgetting you shall equal dismay, /For I have a connection that you know of not, /The connection of love that I hold but you do not.

मेरे दिल की मेरे जज़्बात की कीमत क्या है...

My heart and my emotions, /my tangled thoughts and illusions, /are they worthy or not? If so, I ask, they are worth what?/ I yearned for your love, and could you not love me back?/ This all is the value of this confounding question that I ask. /Choose not to respond to this query, rightfully you may, But/ in my disparate case, doing the same to you equals dismay,/ For I have a connection that you know of not,/ The connection of love that I hold but you do not.

ज़िन्दगी सिर्फ़ मोहब्बत नहीं कुछ और भी है...

Life is not merely about love but beyond,/ The heavens of beauties firstly adorned,/ In a world chastised by thirst and hunger,/ Life is not only love but issues quite others,/ Choose to ignore me, rightfully you may, But/ In my disparate case, Doing the same to you equals dismay,/ For I have a connection that you know of not, / The connection of love that I hold but you do not.

तुमको दुनिया के गम-ओ-दर्द...

Worldly sorrows are what you heed everyday,/ So be it that for me not a moment do you spare./ Everybody else is to whom a lover you are / So be it that for me, your love is so distant, so far./ ‘I am yours', the miracle thought, is no less a victory,/ So be it that you are, simply not my destiny./ In your love's conflagration, Choose to let my heart burn,/

तुम मुझे...

Because doing all of this to me, is what rightfully you may, But, O beloved!,/ In my disparate case, doing the same to you equals dismay,/ For I have a connection that you know of not, / The connection of love that I hold but you do not,/ The bondage of love that I hold but you do not.

Matters that matter

Just finished lunch and came back to my little space that makes me think that I work. My study. 

As I embark upon another journey of if's and but's in my work, I oscillate greatly between my past and my present. It was a few months back that I was struck by the deadly D- Dengue. I hate to be even reminded of it. But even a single flashback of it sends chills down my spine. 

10 days of unbearable pain had me crying like a newborn- wanting to be comforted and fed and comforted again. 

Just as I was discussing this with my family members today, I felt the same pain and agony for a few seconds. For the same duration, the vision of all that occurred during the phase held me hostage and it took a powered effort to drag myself out of the mirage and let the realization of the reality descend. THAT is how draining it was- Even a few seconds of a mere flashback of it caused deep felt horror that haunts me even as I write. A few more hours and I shall have forgotten about it- at least consciously. 

I have known people who have been through worse. I have met prodigies who suffered the worst and yet are doing 'well' as the world perceives them. And it strikes me that it has indeed been wisely said that onscreen can never reflect the offscreen that went into making it. Ultimately, the people who care for you, your dear ones, are the only ones affected. Their prayers transform into your survival. Their tears could have broken you down but it is the love causing them that builds you up. 

Despite the horror of those days, I am alive. And wiser. Stronger than before. Ready to take on certain challenges. To accomplish the targeted. To make those dear and close ones happier. 

So, I proceed. 

Come what may, the rule of life is that it continues. Because whatever may transpire, we acknowledge how important it is to fight back and emerge triumphant. And despite all odds,

We sustain. 

We survive. 

PS: Undergoing a trauma? Fight back. If you give up, nobody is going to care. Get up! Get back! Life is much more than what the naked eyes can see. YOU matter. 

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